The last Mother's Day for me was May, 1988. My Mother was consumed by the cancer that would take her from us in just a couple of weeks. I bought her red sweats that Mother's Day. They may have come from the children's dept. since they were so small to fit her shrinking body. We did have to cut out the waist because of her abdomen that was enlarged from effects of her cancer. She was struggling to eat anything and went from coherent to interacting with that world she was preparing to enter. We were still deluding ourselves with our talk of hope in beating cancer. She knew she wasn't winning the battle but she allowed our talk of hope. Her last words to me were "there's still so much I have to tell you." I will never know what those things might have been. She does present herself now in the most interesting and unusual ways if I choose to believe.
How do you continue to celebrate Mother's Day when your mother is gone? For me it has been a day of sadness, of remembering my loss, of calculating all the places that she is missing. I have gone through the motions, my own children deserve that but I'm sure they felt my sadness and loss as well. I have celebrated my mother-in-law and my stepmom but they have also been short changed by my sadness.
This year something has changed once again. I am selfishly spending this Mother's Day in Boulder, just Steve and I. I received the usual Mother's Day greetings and then I went to the yard to rake and feel the dirt on my hands. I have sat in the sun and let it warm me. I have washed clothes and then felt the breeze as I hang them on the line. I did prepare ahead of time to celebrate my daughter for Mother's Day. She is celebrating that first Mother's Day having chosen motherhood and even though the previous Mother's Days have been well worth celebrating, it was also bittersweet in the way that it changed her life before it was time. She is an wonderful mother and I celebrate her without even a twinge of the sadness except her Grandma Rae would have loved the new girl that possesses her name. I also celebrate my mother-in-law who now speaks directly to her twin sister, dead now for years. I honor the decision to move her to more care as the dementia over takes her. She is more at peace than she has been for some time. I still question the why of this disease and who it is for, what we are all suppose to gain. I celebrate my step mother for her love and kindness through the years. How she decided friendship with my mother was the right step, leading the way to friendship with my sister and I. I celebrate my sister for example of mothering and for always being there for me. She is the one who always understands exactly what this day and so many others feels like and means. I celebrate my Grandma Roundy for teaching me so well about being a grandma. I celebrate the incredible aunts I have, my Aunt Renon for her support at all the events of my life, for my King aunts for inspiring me to write, and read, and think. I celebrate cousins who are great mothers and raise children that are as interesting as they are. I celebrate friends who choose to be a part of my life and allow me to be a part of their lives as well. I celebrate my new daughter-in-law and look forward to many wonderful life events together. Happy Mother's Day to all the incredible women in my life. You have made me so much better than I would have been without you.
If you believe, your mother stopped in after the wedding and the homecoming of Kacen and said that the big events were over, so she checked Arizona but in her place Paul came and spent one evening here. I was able to catch a glimpse of him in a dream wearing a uniform, so I thought he must be here because of his years of being a cop in Page, Arizona, and was looking in on the war over the border. She left again so that must have been for Mother's Day in Utah. She seems to go where family is doing stuff and she is needed. I think she is a powerful spirit. And is not far.
ReplyDeleteI was touched by this tribute to your mother.
ReplyDeleteShe has been gone many years now, but she comes in surprising ways. I know she makes the rounds and touches the heart.
Nice to read your mother's day message. You have that great ability to appreciate all those taking part in your life. I had a long talk with Tano just a while ago. He is fun to talk to about all the different thing going on in Arizona.
ReplyDeleteYour Ma is probably very happy about what you and Steve have done with that place in Boulder. I remember all the fun times we had there with her when she was trying to get something built. I think I have a picture of her somewhere sitting over the septic tank laughing. She loved to climb Maggie's hill too.
This was a very touching entry and a beautiful picture of your mother. This special day makes a mother reminisce about all the things she wishes she had done differently. Also the things she has done right. I always felt my claim to fame as a mom was to allow my boys to be their own people. They choose to be good men, even though they have struggled with many difficulties. My main goal was to be a supportive and loving mother. I think I accomplished this even through many circuitous routes. At any rate I love and appreciate my kids, grand kids and yes their Father also for his contribution to their lives and sense of fair play. I'm glad you have many people to celebrate Cheryl. You deserve all of them.
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