Next Generation of Mothers

Tonight my only daughter returns to work after having her own little daughter just 3 months ago. I'm so glad she had the three months with her daughter. Her last child was born before she was ready and pushed her to adulthood. This tiny girl came when she wanted her most and was ready with a marriage, health insurance, and a means to support her. Even in this time of preparation, the day comes when Mom returns to work. I remember going back to work when she was just almost 6 months old. I had enjoyed my time with her but I had also made her unwilling to drink from a bottle so I would race to the sitter's house down the street from the school I worked at and feed her at lunch. She also moved to cereals and other foods sooner so she could get through the day. We had a glorious time after school, sitting in the rocker and reconnecting with a little nursing time. I went back to work sooner with my son, but the sitter was his Dad, so that felt like a good time for them. I still raced to where ever he was for the next several months to have a quick feed during the lunch hour. He was so easy because he could eat both sides in a matter of minutes and send me back to work.

My son-in-law has duty tonight with his tiny daughter who is spending her first night without her mom. It will be good for both of them to learn how to meet each others needs. But I know that tonight my daughter is fretting on the 3rd floor of the Medical Center. Wishing she was home with her daughter and wondering if she still knows how to be the nurse those patients on the 3rd floor need. On the news tonight, they talked about the scientific research on the benefits of breastfeeding for 6 months but yet even in the best of circumstances, 3 months is what mom and baby get. In this time of health care debate, I wish we were further along the debate to be talking about getting at least those 6 months that they are finding to be so critical. I hope my daughter can find a way to keep the breastfeeding going beyond this go back to work time. I hope that we can become a nation that can adapt to what we find is most important for babies and for helping mom's to make it work. Good luck my daughter and kisses to Dad and baby tonight!!

Going Political

One of the interesting parts of retiring, especially retiring at 50, is that you really have to think of another half of a life of things to do with yourself. Also knowing that you are on the short end of life, you try to think of things that have meaning, importance, durability, significance to others, and on and on. I had some ideas of what that might be before I retired. I knew that I wanted my tasks on this side of retirement to involved more creativity. I also knew that I wanted to be my own boss. I also wanted to make contributions to the things that matter most to me. I do believe that I am an educator at heart and my mission is education. Even with the Boulder Heritage Foundation and the Festival, I want to learn more and I want others to learn as well. That's why I'm in charge of the educational components of the festival and have added birding and creative writing as additional projects. But I also believe in the importance of public education. All children must have the opportunity for a free, relevant, rigorous education. It is the most important thing that we should spend our tax dollars on. So one other goal in retirement was to find ways to be involved in strengthening public education. I was always interested in the Garfield educational system and conducted inservices in Garfield County every chance I got. Well I'm taking my next step as a resident and have recently filed to run for school board for Garfield County School District. The area this position serves is Boulder, Antimony, Ticaboo, and Hatch, an interesting collection of the smallest of the small. Garfield Co. has struggled recently with some major financial problems and lawsuits. I hope these issues will not get in the way of providing the best possible education for these students. I look forward to this run and getting the chance to hear from parents, students, teachers, and other residents in this area. It will be interesting since I think the last family member that ventured to the political was Aunt Nethella and she served in a democratically dominated house right here in the State of Utah. So it's been a while. But venturing to this new arena should definitely shape my retirement and the goals I have for this new place in the second half of my life.

Girl Friends

Had a wonderful evening Saturday night at Dianne's house where she taught us about making sauces and gave us the opportunity to eat all of the amazing food she was instructing. It was an evening of girlfriends. I am feeling very lucky to be included in a group of amazing girlfriends so soon after moving here. They truly are incredible women. Another added advantage was getting to take my daughter with me as well (Steve may not have seen it as such an advantage since Taylee cried most of the time she was gone). It was great to let her see how important girlfriends can be and also the interesting and creative ways in which you can gather. She left talking about how she should do this - invite her friends over and do something as unusual as cooking great food together and serving it beautifully. I hope it will inspire her connections with other women as much as it has inspired me. When you go to this much trouble in the connecting, it is such a valuing of those friends in your life and a message about how special they are to you. I was also inspired to be more adventurous and bold in the kitchen. I have always felt like a terrible cook but I now have the recipe for Orange Beurre Blanc Sauce. This evening could change my perception of my own adequacy in the kitchen and therefore change my life in small kitchen kind of ways. I'm getting my shopping list together so I can have all necessary ingredients to make Roasted Red Pepper Sauce and Balsamic Syrup. I may even venture to Hollandaise Sauce so I will be ready when those asparagus heads start peeking out of the grass along the creek. (I have plenty of time to practice since there is about two feet of snow down there now.) Once again thanks to Dianne for allowing me to be a part of creative and delicious cooking, beautiful table settings and stemware, and most of all interesting and intelligent women of Boulder.

History Keepers

Why is it that some of us are so fascinated with the past and not just our own past but with the stories and the events of dead great grandmothers and their grandfathers. Women and men that we have never known. Yet we search those black and white photos looking for eyes that resemble our own or the lips of our children. We tell their stories over and over as if we were there or maybe we believe there is a secret message that if we listen closely and often to the story, we will know the answer. What is so interesting about looking through genealogy pages to see how families grew and connected? Like the most amazing jigsaw puzzle we have ever worked.

I am the keeper of the history of my family. A family that includes little diversity with most all family members being brought to Mormonism from Wales, Scotland, or New York. Coming to this new church early as a grandfather Hyrum supporting brother Joseph in this quest or other grandfathers and grandmothers called to travel with Joseph to each new place that would be called Zion for a time. Faith never waivering with moves further and further west until Shadrach helped deliver Brigham and the first group of settlers to Utah. Creating a lineage from Shadrach to Lorenzo to Napoleon to Bert to Otto to Vernon to me, seven generations in this place. Consumed with the stories of Lorenzo's drowning or Napoleon's shooting match.

Now I seek understanding of two friends coming from Millard County to run cows in Boulder. John Black and John King bringing cows here, first someone elses and then their own. Clearing the land of sagebrush, pinon, and juniper to make green fields in the center of a sandstone circle of cliffs. How one man's granddaughter and the other man's grandson found each other for just a moment to make me, the history keeper. The one who will spend retirement looking back and celebrating this incredible history through the Boulder Heritage Foundation. Legitimizing the role of the history keeper. Giving more and more ways to explore and share the past. There must be some reason for it all.

Finding the Old in the New

Reflection

It is on the first page of grandma's old photo album
glued to a black page
like we would never want it any place but here.
It could be my granddaughter, born just a month ago,
the same face that is the wallpaper on my phone
round cheeks, dark hair, widows peak, frowny white eyebrows.
This photo is black and white and is my mother
taken over seventy years ago probably
someplace up the hill or across the creek from here.
Her face finding its place once again
on my own first granddaughter.
I hope she also possess her great grandmother's heart,
her intellect, her creative eye, her sense of fairness.
It will make travel in this world more difficult
but worth it.

That Which Abides

Last week, many of the people working on writing histories of the Women of Boulder through the Hogsback Heritage Project, met to talk about and share their projects. I was the one guiding the meeting so I decided to check my Runes to see what might be important to focus on that I might not be seeing. Not much was revealed but one line seemed especially important. It talked about focus on "that which abides." I thought that sounded beautiful but I also wasn't sure I understood abide. Then Friday at the funeral for Jim Turner, the opening song was "Abide with Me." I thought it was interesting that in my consideration of "abide" that this would be the song. So I thought of this word in considering, examining, and writing about someone's life "that which abides". What is the essence of us in the end. Who are we when each day of our action and activities are done. What does it all boil down to when it is all done. Who are we? What will be the common things said of us once we are gone? That is "that which abides." We can think we have balance in our lives or try to do right things but there is that essence of who we are. It is that thing that I recognize when I see my mother in a dream or my grandfather. They don't look the same in my dream but I know their essence. It is that characteristic that I'm trying to find as I write about my Great Grandma Black for this project. I want to find that which abides as her beyond the grave. That which she was at her core for her lifetime and beyond. I thought a lot about it for Jim Turner as we heard his children and friends speak of him at his funeral. That which abides of Jim Turner is not his time as a highway patrolman or as a father but the essence of how he approached each of those jobs. What he brought there, his time, his attention, his caring. That is "that what abides" of Jim Turner. It causes me to think of myself. What will that be when I am gone, that essence that goes beyond my jobs or my roles but how I approached and interacted with those jobs and roles and the people who passed through those positions I held. It is much more difficult to control that which abides because it is at the core of everything.

And then we move to the song. That need each of us has to experience something great "Abide with me." This abiding and being abided is big and powerful and comforting. Maybe it is truly when someone is so with us; when their essences is given; when it is not just their role or position but the very core of their existence, that is what we need especially in our darkest hour but probably always. Because that essence is unchanging and recognizable always.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea—
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Paying Attention to Dreams

Last Thursday, I woke up remembering a dream I had about my mother-in-law. I dreamed we were in Hurricane or some place like that and we were going to activities, ballgames, etc. She was getting tired and laid down on a bed. I went over to her and covered her up and patted her for a few minutes. I noticed in my dream that she was wearing her shoes in the bed. Then I woke up. She is in assisted living and is struggling with dementia. When I dream about her, I think it is my warning that she needs some attention but since we were going over to see her the next day, I figured I would check it out then. That day a person from her assisted living called and wanted to meet with us on Monday to talk about some behaviors. We figured she was getting fisty with residents again and thought we might need to talk to her doctor after to change medication. So I figured that was what my dream was about. On Saturday morning, I got a phone call from the hospital. Her assisted living people had called the ambulance because she was having severe back and chest pains. They had left a message on the home phone, so I didn't know she was there. The hospital had decided to send her home. I told them I would come over and get her. I raced over and went into the Emergency Room with her. She was glad to see me and doing much better. The doctor had decided that the problem was muscular and that she would be ok. I waited until they prepared the paperwork to discharge her. When it was time to go, I started to help her get out of the bed so she could get dressed. When I pulled back the covers, she still had her shoes on in the bed. My dream was very accurate. I took her home and helped her to shower. I wanted her to rest but she can't stand to stay in her room. When we met about behavior on Monday, she is following the workers around. She is at a new stage of the dementia. She follows us as well. We take her to our house to see her dog and the kids and then take her back home. She follows us back to the car and doesn't know this is her home. She isn't as agitated when she's with us but she's more lost. It's probably time to increase care, but we are trying to decide the next best place so she doesn't need another change. These are tough decisions. I'm glad we had her live with us for a couple of years so I know that it wouldn't work to move her back, because I'm compelled at each stage but I know better. It's hard to see her lost and confused it's easier as she gets less aware but also harder. She can't help much with telling what she needs or what would make things better so I'll pay close attention to my dreams.